My husband and I have been trying to start a family for the last 3 1/2 years. I suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS}, have miscarried, had an ectopic pregnancy {where I lost a tube} and have been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist {fertility specialist}. We have been keeping it quiet because I didn't want to have to explain anything, talk about it, or be disappointed when it didn't work out. What???? Like not talking about it was really going to keep me from being disappointed? I have prayed hard about this, but by talking about this maybe I can get other people to pray for us too? I don't know, maybe writing about it will make me feel better or maybe it will help someone else who is going through this? I might just be a mess because of all of the hormones they have pumped into my body. Another month with the big 'ole negative sign. I detest that negative sign. It is my nemesis.
Here's what I'm mad about. I went to get a PG test at CVS this morning because I thought that the ones that I took Friday night and Saturday morning just had to be wrong. In line in front of me were a young couple buying a box of PG tests who looked to be unmarried and unfit to be parents. Now, I know that I should not judge who should be parents, but they did not look like they had any business with a child. You just know that they went home and THEIR test was positive. I ,unfortunately, went home to a negative test. Bitter. Why does it seem that the people who have no business having children are the ones who can reproduce over and over again without any problems? It doesn't seem fair.
When I was talking to a friend about it this afternoon, she said that it seems like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it does. She's right. I have a lot of things that have happened to me through the years. Way too many things for one post, but maybe my therapy is going to be to get it all off my chest. Right now, though, "I'm mad today...it doesn't seem fair" is all I have to say.
8 comments:
Oh LeighAnn- I'm so sorry. I do understand all those feelings- I truly do! I have felt them and have been down this horribly difficult road! I will continue to pray for you guys and just know that everything you're feeling is totally normal and ok to feel.
Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a better one!
LeighAnn, I can't say I know what you are feeling because I've not gone through this. I have been through other things though, that didn't seem fair to me. I think it's ok to tell God you are mad. He already knows that and He understands. I've been praying for you guys already and will continue.
So sorry. My heart pours out to you. I wish I could say I understand but I can't. Remember we love you!
No words can say how I feel about that. So very sorry you have to suffer. Just remember that God has a plan for you. Be patient and wait.
Leigh Ann, I will just stay that I am praying for you. I want you to be a Mommy and I know God does too.... your desires are His desires but unfortunately our timing is not always His... I pray that He will bring you your baby soon!!
LeighAnn -
I never went through the fertility problems (although I had one miscarriage) but Katelyn was a preemie and Chelsea had many health issues and surgeries. I so know the feeling of why! It always seemed so unfair that I tried to do what is healthy for my kids and so many others were doing the drinking and drugs while pregnant and they had healthy kids. It just didn't seem fair (and still doesn't) I'll keep praying for the both of you in decisions that need to be made.
Im sorry LeighAnn :( It isn't fair is it. Hopefully God has a plan for you, and it will be worth the wait.
I married a little later in life and feel like time isn't on my side when it comes to starting a family--many circumstances, mostly financial, have kept us from trying--and I worry that it may never happen for us and I, too, look at situations like you have described and think it's not fair. I'll be praying for you.
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